Honestly Confused

"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom."

    -Thomas Jefferson

    In our everyday lives, how often do we actually tell the truth? Throughout the day we all tell little white lies to make ourselves appear better than it is, or sometimes even worse than it is with hopes of being better liked and sometimes to gain sympathy. I've done it before, and I'm trying to fix it. I exaggerate elements or leave details out to make my stories better; they're only variations of the truth though, so that's not a lie, right? 

    Little white lies like these are more harmful than you'd think. Lies and the attention that we get from them are like a drug and it's high. In today's society we crave that attention and acceptance from our peers so deeply that many of us would say almost anything to get it. It's a sad world we live in when we feel like we have to lie to gain acceptance. Lies come so naturally and easily to us that we are barely able to recognize that we are telling one so there is no time to question the action or feel guilty about telling a lie.

    Lies come so easily that, not only do we have trouble being honest with others; we have trouble being honest with ourselves. We lie to ourselves all of the time, telling ourselves that we are fine when we're crying inside, that everything is okay when we really everything seems to be going to hell. Those are little white lies that we tell ourselves in order to attempt to cope with or deny certain feelings that we may not want to accept or don't want to deal with.

    One of the things that I have so much trouble with is being honest with myself and how I feel. I have trouble being open with myself, as crazy as that may sound. I lie to myself all day saying that I don't care about stuff that happens, that I don't feel a certain way. I lie to myself time after time and it sucks. So I think it's time I'm honest with myself without fear of judgment from others, criticism and judgment from myself as well. Brace yourselves..

    1. I want to get married sooo badly even though I tell myself otherwise on a daily basis! But I know that it's not the right time. I love my boyfriend and I like to think that maybe someday we'll get married, but right now, I know I'm not ready. Just because it’s something that I want now, doesn't mean that I'm ready for it NOW. I'm very jealous of all of the girls that have gotten engaged the last few months, and to people that they haven't known for but a few months..I don't want to be like them. I want to be the girl at the 10 year reunion that has a blooming career, a loyal husband, a loving family and a life!

     2. I let the past bug me, probably more than I should. The main things that bug me are things with me and my boyfriend. Our relationship is nowhere near perfect, just like everyone else we have ups and downs. But there are times when I wish things had gone differently (That's a story for another blog though!) Sometimes there are little things, little reminders that pop up relating to something that had once bugged me and ate my insides to the point of sickness, that bring back all of those emotions. The part that makes it worse? I don't have anyone to talk to about any of it....Not even my boyfriend...

    3. I don't have many friends. I have people I talk to at work, people that I have classes with, people I went to high school with, "Friends" that say we should hangout but never make the effort even when you do, and I have the "friends" that always said they'd be there but left.. I don't have a best friend that I can tell all of my secrets to. I don't have that one friend that I can run to when drama happens. I don't have that friend that I went off to college with or that friend that will come over and study or just watch movies with me. I don't have that and it kills me. I try to make friends and I try to branch out, but it has yet to work for me. The only friend that I really have is Taylor, a girl I met last semester. She came to college with her best friend, and I envy that.

    4. I feel stuck. I feel like I have all of these plans for my life but I'm deathly scared they won't happen..I wanted to go to college and make something of myself, be on my own. I wanted the chance to figure out life outside of this town and outside of my house. Sure, after I graduate I may get that but that's not the point. I'm at the point in my life where I feel like it's crucial for me to be something and do something with my life that makes me happy and makes me feel good. I want to get away from all of this, start over and find out who I am supposed to be in this world. I don't feel like I can do that here.