Trouble with Goodbye

    Just a little bit ago I got off the phone with my grandma. She's 98 and lives on her own. She calls my house every night when she gets into bed so that my mom knows that she's okay. Tonight my mom was in the shower when she called and I answered the phone to say goodnight. The call lasted 40 seconds on the dot. But those 40 seconds I'll never forget...
    With how old she is and how much she's aged within the last 4 years even, who knows how much longer we have with her. Who knows if I'll see her tomorrow or the next day, next week or next year..we don't ever know. I do try to spend as much time with her as I can, but sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. I know that when she is gone, I will never be able to make up for any time that I've missed..
    Sometimes, though, I feel uncomfortable around her, like I don't meet her expectations or that I may not be good enough for her; at one point I wasn't and she didn't hesitate to say so..that doesn't change the fact that I try each and every day to impress her and be the best I can be for her.
    I also have trouble with death. I have trouble acknowledging that someone is really gone and isn't coming back. I don't like to think that I won't talk to her or hold her hand, share stories with her either. When my Grandma Katie died, it didn't fully register with me. It could have been because we hadn't been very close in the last few years, but it still didn't impact me as much as I thought it would have. I loved her very much, though. The hardest part is with my grandma is that I know she will lever live to see her great-grand children. I'm 18 and I don't plan on having kids any time soon, so it is almost guaranteed that she won't be able to see them and hold them and be there for them..
    The hardest part of all of this, though, is saying goodbye. After my mom and I go to see her, when we're leaving, I kiss her on the forehead or cheek, say "bye" and leave while my mom says her goodbyes. I don't like goodbyes and I'm not good with them. I never say goodbye to people, I may say "goodnight" or "see you later" but I never say "goodbye". It is too final of a statement for me to make. "Goodbye" is a commitment and almost a promise that you won't see each other again and that's not a promise I want to make. I'm not ready for Goodbye...not yet...