Honestly Confused

"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom."

    -Thomas Jefferson

    In our everyday lives, how often do we actually tell the truth? Throughout the day we all tell little white lies to make ourselves appear better than it is, or sometimes even worse than it is with hopes of being better liked and sometimes to gain sympathy. I've done it before, and I'm trying to fix it. I exaggerate elements or leave details out to make my stories better; they're only variations of the truth though, so that's not a lie, right? 

    Little white lies like these are more harmful than you'd think. Lies and the attention that we get from them are like a drug and it's high. In today's society we crave that attention and acceptance from our peers so deeply that many of us would say almost anything to get it. It's a sad world we live in when we feel like we have to lie to gain acceptance. Lies come so naturally and easily to us that we are barely able to recognize that we are telling one so there is no time to question the action or feel guilty about telling a lie.

    Lies come so easily that, not only do we have trouble being honest with others; we have trouble being honest with ourselves. We lie to ourselves all of the time, telling ourselves that we are fine when we're crying inside, that everything is okay when we really everything seems to be going to hell. Those are little white lies that we tell ourselves in order to attempt to cope with or deny certain feelings that we may not want to accept or don't want to deal with.

    One of the things that I have so much trouble with is being honest with myself and how I feel. I have trouble being open with myself, as crazy as that may sound. I lie to myself all day saying that I don't care about stuff that happens, that I don't feel a certain way. I lie to myself time after time and it sucks. So I think it's time I'm honest with myself without fear of judgment from others, criticism and judgment from myself as well. Brace yourselves..

    1. I want to get married sooo badly even though I tell myself otherwise on a daily basis! But I know that it's not the right time. I love my boyfriend and I like to think that maybe someday we'll get married, but right now, I know I'm not ready. Just because it’s something that I want now, doesn't mean that I'm ready for it NOW. I'm very jealous of all of the girls that have gotten engaged the last few months, and to people that they haven't known for but a few months..I don't want to be like them. I want to be the girl at the 10 year reunion that has a blooming career, a loyal husband, a loving family and a life!

     2. I let the past bug me, probably more than I should. The main things that bug me are things with me and my boyfriend. Our relationship is nowhere near perfect, just like everyone else we have ups and downs. But there are times when I wish things had gone differently (That's a story for another blog though!) Sometimes there are little things, little reminders that pop up relating to something that had once bugged me and ate my insides to the point of sickness, that bring back all of those emotions. The part that makes it worse? I don't have anyone to talk to about any of it....Not even my boyfriend...

    3. I don't have many friends. I have people I talk to at work, people that I have classes with, people I went to high school with, "Friends" that say we should hangout but never make the effort even when you do, and I have the "friends" that always said they'd be there but left.. I don't have a best friend that I can tell all of my secrets to. I don't have that one friend that I can run to when drama happens. I don't have that friend that I went off to college with or that friend that will come over and study or just watch movies with me. I don't have that and it kills me. I try to make friends and I try to branch out, but it has yet to work for me. The only friend that I really have is Taylor, a girl I met last semester. She came to college with her best friend, and I envy that.

    4. I feel stuck. I feel like I have all of these plans for my life but I'm deathly scared they won't happen..I wanted to go to college and make something of myself, be on my own. I wanted the chance to figure out life outside of this town and outside of my house. Sure, after I graduate I may get that but that's not the point. I'm at the point in my life where I feel like it's crucial for me to be something and do something with my life that makes me happy and makes me feel good. I want to get away from all of this, start over and find out who I am supposed to be in this world. I don't feel like I can do that here.

Trouble with Goodbye

    Just a little bit ago I got off the phone with my grandma. She's 98 and lives on her own. She calls my house every night when she gets into bed so that my mom knows that she's okay. Tonight my mom was in the shower when she called and I answered the phone to say goodnight. The call lasted 40 seconds on the dot. But those 40 seconds I'll never forget...
    With how old she is and how much she's aged within the last 4 years even, who knows how much longer we have with her. Who knows if I'll see her tomorrow or the next day, next week or next year..we don't ever know. I do try to spend as much time with her as I can, but sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. I know that when she is gone, I will never be able to make up for any time that I've missed..
    Sometimes, though, I feel uncomfortable around her, like I don't meet her expectations or that I may not be good enough for her; at one point I wasn't and she didn't hesitate to say so..that doesn't change the fact that I try each and every day to impress her and be the best I can be for her.
    I also have trouble with death. I have trouble acknowledging that someone is really gone and isn't coming back. I don't like to think that I won't talk to her or hold her hand, share stories with her either. When my Grandma Katie died, it didn't fully register with me. It could have been because we hadn't been very close in the last few years, but it still didn't impact me as much as I thought it would have. I loved her very much, though. The hardest part is with my grandma is that I know she will lever live to see her great-grand children. I'm 18 and I don't plan on having kids any time soon, so it is almost guaranteed that she won't be able to see them and hold them and be there for them..
    The hardest part of all of this, though, is saying goodbye. After my mom and I go to see her, when we're leaving, I kiss her on the forehead or cheek, say "bye" and leave while my mom says her goodbyes. I don't like goodbyes and I'm not good with them. I never say goodbye to people, I may say "goodnight" or "see you later" but I never say "goodbye". It is too final of a statement for me to make. "Goodbye" is a commitment and almost a promise that you won't see each other again and that's not a promise I want to make. I'm not ready for Goodbye...not yet...

First Week of Spring Semster

    Last Tuesday was the first day of classes it seems like it was yesterday. Everything is going by very fast and I know that this semester will be over in the blink of an eye. Typically I look forward to my weekends but they've been just as filled as my weekdays. Today was the first day I was able to sleep in for about 2-3 weeks! I'd been getting up at 7 for my classes and 8 for Church on Sundays and then whatever I had to do on Saturday mornings that prevented me from sleeping in.

    My 8 am class is Anatomy and Physiology (209). I'm much better at the Anatomy portion that the Physiology. I understand the Crista Galli, Stella Turcica and the External Occipital Protuberance, but I get a little confused when it comes to glycogen and carbohydrates, proteins and osmosis. I am very good with the memorization of things that don't change, but when it comes down to the molecular level and the process of things working, I'm not sure what to do. I want to know it and understand it but I'm not sure how to learn it in a way that would allow me to do so.

    This semester I am also taking an Emergency Medical Responder class that is the first step in the EMT/Paramedic track. There are lots of options to do with that and I think that it'd be a good back up plan, but I'm not sure if its for me. I love being able to help people but I'm not sure if that'd be the right way for me to. After getting my certification from this class I will be able to help people if the situation presents itself which will be a great opportunity to help people in need.

    In order to be able to apply to the Nursing Program I have to complete several semesters of General Education Credits including Psychology, Pathophysiology, the second part of Anatomy and Physiology (210). I also have to do a Statistics class and a Kinesiology Activity (I'm taking golf! ha). There are a few humanities and fine arts credits I have to complete but I know I'll be able to do them this summer and in the Fall semester as well.

    Knowing that I have a pretty solid plan for my future makes me happy and excited! I'm nervous to get on my feet and running! I can't wait to finish and get started with my life either! The future holds so much promise for me and there are so many doors that I haven't opened yet, I'm ready to get started!