Tunnel Vision

    The other night at around 4 in the morning I woke up like I do so often in the night, and practically had an epiphany. Why am I so worried about tomorrow or next year or the next five when I haven't even made it through this day yet? The internet says this almost every where you look, but you are not guaranteed a tomorrow. You aren't really even guaranteed a full today. That saying is completely true. For whatever reason there may be, some tomorrows will never come. That may sound morose but it is completely true for everyone.
   Our futures are comprised of everyday moments and choices that we make on a daily basis. Many of which we don't even realize we are doing. Our futures are unfolding before our eyes without us acknowledging it. Every little moment in your life, minutes wasted, seconds lost, hours waiting, it all effects our futures. Every little detail. Some of the moments that we feel may be insignificant, turn out to be the most significant, life-changing moments ever.
   Lately I have been worrying about my grades for my classes, my tests, my GPA, how I am going to study for the Kaplan test to get into the Nursing Program and what I am going to do once I am in it. I am worrying about where I will be in 5 years, what I'm doing, where I'm living and who will be there with me. What I figured out the other day is that none of that matters. Sure, goals are nice for the long run. Even short-term goals are great. But if we put too much focus on those goals and trying to change the days in our future that we haven't even lived yet, the day that we are living goes to waste. There are many people who don't get to see a full day and won't live until tomorrow. Their days are gone and there is nothing they can do about it. There is something that we can do about OUR days, though.
    My resolution is this: worry about today and get everything done during the course of the day that I can. If I don't get something done I am not going to worry about it because I did the best I could TODAY. I will keep my long term and short term goals in sight with out focusing on them completely and getting Tunnel Vision. I will make the best of every day and make each and every minute of my life count. I will do what I can and not sweat the little or big stuff. I will tell people I love them often and speak my mind. I will live my life for me and in the time I am given. I will do my best, because that is all anyone can ever do.

Sophmore Year

    Fall 2014 classes have begun and my class load is quite large. I am retaking my Anatomy and Physiology 1 lab, continuing on to Anatomy and Physiology 2 Lab and Lecture, as well as History of Popular Music and I was accepted into the Phlebotomy Program. I m only taking 13 credit hours this semester but they are all upper division classes that require a lot of out of class work and memorization. I have 17 more credit hours to complete before entering the nursing program in about a year from now. My hopes are that I can get around a 4.0
this semester and next so that I will be able to get into the Nursing Program first time out. I have several big supports: an Academic Adviser, two Nursing Advisers and a professor I had last semester, all saying that they would help me as much as they can so I can accomplish my dream of becoming a Nurse.

    In addition to an intense work load at school, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years moved to Pueblo, Colorado a little over a week ago to pursue the Respiratory Therapy program at Pueblo Community College. He is going to be there for 2 1/2 years, only coming home once, maybe twice a month if that. As time goes on and classes and work get harder he may lessen is visits. Before he left we talked a lot about what we wanted to happen for us while he is away, and what we would want when he was done with school. We continue to talk more and more about our future together everyday. The saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" was a very scary quote to me going into a long-distance relationship because of the addition "of someone else" that many people would add after their long-distance relationship went awry. I don't really believe the addition because my boyfriend and I have grown very fond of each other in the almost month that he has been gone. As we begin to adjust more and more to our situation, our feelings may adjust but I don't think that the fondness that we are experiencing now will ever go away.

    To be honest, though, it is almost good timing for my boyfriend moving away. Our classes are getting harder and harder, I'm trying to get into my program and he is already in his, I have a job on top of everything else and I don't know if I'd have time to juggle all of it and succeed if my boyfriend lived here. That may sound like a cop-out, but its not; its the truth. Balancing a 20-25 hour work week, going to school full time (which includes at least 30 hours of out of class homework and studying) a boyfriend, family a social life and an adequate amount of sleep? There just isn't time for all of that. I wish there were and that I could make the time but it just isn't possible. As I told my mom the other day, my priorities are school first, family second, work and my social life come last. I put school first only because I am paying thousands of dollars for my education and to have a better and brighter future for myself and my future family. Family comes above work because money will come and go, and I will be able to get a better job after I finish school. Plus my bosses are very understanding when it comes to family issues and are not worried about giving people time off for familial issues.
    The only thing that I worry about now is that I will be able to keep up with my classes, work as much as I need to and that I will get a good clinical site for my Phlebotomy Clinicals that will start in October. The other night I had a bit of a meltdown because I got a C on my first Anatomy 2 Lecture Exam and I was sure I wasn't going to be able to correct my studying or get any better grade than a C in anything. I stopped crying and being upset and was more determined thane ever to get the grades that I need and do what it takes to get into the Nursing Program. I have also found that praying for a good outcome and the support from above is a good thing, too. I will take all of the help I can get!

Divergent

    There's something about the first anything that is so magical, so imperfectly beautiful that it makes it all the better. Your first love, your first kiss, your first time, the first book, the first movie, the first moments are the best things that you may ever experience. Many say that it’s not the first moments; it’s the last that really count, but I disagree. It’s in the first moments that you are able to see someone and it’s those moments in the beginning that you realize how you feel about someone that matter. The first time with anything will set the precedence for everything to come. When you look back to the moment that you first met someone or looked at someone and your heart beats just a little harder remembering those moments, that's what counts.

    Recently I read the Divergent series; it took me about 2-3 days to finish all three books.

While all of the books were amazing and magnificently written, I'm still in love with the first book. In an interview with the author, Veronica Roth, she said that she had definitely thought out the second and third more than she had the first. I think that's the beauty of the first one. .the mystery and the feeling of meeting someone for the first time, too, that does it for me. Once you get deeper into the series, the only thing that changes much is the setting and the plot; the characters develop and expand on who they already are. They may have their break-through moments where they finally discover who they want to be, but by that point, we, as readers, can almost see it ourselves before the character experiences it. We get to grow with and befriend the characters throughout the series and feel their pain and share their thoughts, but you can only meet someone for the first time once, and that one time, that one moment is so magical that it never leaves you.

    In Divergent, when we first meet Tris, there's a sense of unknowing and adventure about her that draws the readers in. Her imperfections and flaws, the way that she sees herself is so relatable to almost every reader. Her vulnerability and character is what makes us see her as perfect, what makes us fall in love with her from the start. The first moment that she/we meet Four. .that moment can only be lived once. When I read that moment, I was filled with the excitement of first love and could almost feel that spark myself, maybe even before Tris felt it. But it will never be the same as the first time I read it, no matter how many times I will read it. Their first kiss, the moment that they knew that they loved each other, those moments are much more precious than the second or third, though those are amazing as well. You can’t get the same rush of emotions from anything but the first moments with a new character or a new person. It will never be able to live up to those moments, no matter how hard you want them to. The same goes with those experiences in real life.

    The experiences of both Tobias and Tris are what make me love to read and what make me appreciate moments in the beginning like theirs. When I was reading the last moments that they spent together and the last moments of the series, all I could think about was wanting to see where it all started, to see how far they had come as a individuals and as a couple.

    Veronica Roth said in her interview that there are many things that she would change about the first book, if she could go back and do so. I think that would be wrong. The words that she wrote, the story that she told is what made it the bestseller that it is and to change that or want to change that would be wrong. It’s an experience that Roth was able to learn from and progress with. It was something that made her a better writer. The book’s flaws and imperfections are what made it great and what make it such an amazing and thrilling book; it's also what makes it worth reading over other books in the genre and others, too.

    The first moments are what set the precedence for the rest of the story. The first moments are the greatest feelings you’ll ever experience. There are many firsts and there are many lasts, but it’s the first that make the story great! There are many firsts throughout the series as well, and they are just as great as the ones in the very beginning, but they can never measure up. . .

Lost and Out of Control

    Seeing as my blog isn't chronological, I don't feel like it's necessary to do a "Previously on 'Do Something You...'", so I'll just jump right into it. I feel completely lost and out of touch with everything around me, lately. I feel as if I don't belong and I'm completely out of place. I feel like I don't fit in with people my own age. In my tennis class, golf class and almost every class I have I seem to socialize and assimilate with the "Returning Adult Learners". There are very few people that are close to my own age that I can or even try to talk to. When I try to open myself up to making friends that are my age, it doesn't happen for one reason or another. Sometimes I feel like it's because I'm too plain for them (I don't drink or party, smoke or do drugs; I work, go to school and study) or they annoy me with their immaturity and constant rambling about things that don't matter.
    For instance, this girl in my golf class won't stop talking to me during class and won't shut up about how sore she is from her yoga class the hour before. . .Cool! I do yoga, too, but I don't go around using it as a conversation starter to continue rambling on about my life and problems to a complete stranger! Seeing as we are the only two girls in that class I had originally hoped she would be someone to talk to about golf and to hit with, but instead I got someone who wants to talk about her life and won't stop. I know that everyone needs someone to talk to about stuff, but I just don't do that with complete strangers!

    My friend Taylor, one of the only girls I actually talk to that's my age, is  pretty cool. However, like most girls our age, she is quite fickle, unemployed and has something new to complain about every day. On top of being unemployed, she wants us to move out together at the end of the Summer before the Fall semester starts. I was pretty excited about it at first until I started looking at the facts: she doesn't have a job, so how is she going to pay equal rent? We also have never really hung out outside of school except to watch Full House and some Netflix in her dorm in between classes. . .We don't know how we get along and who says we would if we lived together. . .?
 
    Sometimes I feel like I need to try something new to pull me out of this funk, like moving out or away or doing something life changing and exciting, but I haven't figured out what I can do. I can't just move out on my own, I mean I get free food, a room and my laundry done at home. For FREE. It doesn't get much better than that. But I've had that for the last almost 19 years. A person needs a change of scenery every now and then right? Sometimes all someone needs to feel better is a new reason do wake up in the morning, something to look forwards to and something that they can work towards, something that motivates them. I feel like I don't have that. I go to school to get done with it so I can start working; I go to work so I can make money to pay my bills, buy a few nice things and maybe buy a motorcycle. There's no real, genuine motivation for me.
    I feel just completely lost, like I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing or what the point of it all is. I don't know where my life is going, what I want to get from it and what I don't want from it. . .I just know that I don't know. Its out of my control and I figure I can just roll with the tides and pray that it takes me somewhere amazing.

Honestly Confused

"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom."

    -Thomas Jefferson

    In our everyday lives, how often do we actually tell the truth? Throughout the day we all tell little white lies to make ourselves appear better than it is, or sometimes even worse than it is with hopes of being better liked and sometimes to gain sympathy. I've done it before, and I'm trying to fix it. I exaggerate elements or leave details out to make my stories better; they're only variations of the truth though, so that's not a lie, right? 

    Little white lies like these are more harmful than you'd think. Lies and the attention that we get from them are like a drug and it's high. In today's society we crave that attention and acceptance from our peers so deeply that many of us would say almost anything to get it. It's a sad world we live in when we feel like we have to lie to gain acceptance. Lies come so naturally and easily to us that we are barely able to recognize that we are telling one so there is no time to question the action or feel guilty about telling a lie.

    Lies come so easily that, not only do we have trouble being honest with others; we have trouble being honest with ourselves. We lie to ourselves all of the time, telling ourselves that we are fine when we're crying inside, that everything is okay when we really everything seems to be going to hell. Those are little white lies that we tell ourselves in order to attempt to cope with or deny certain feelings that we may not want to accept or don't want to deal with.

    One of the things that I have so much trouble with is being honest with myself and how I feel. I have trouble being open with myself, as crazy as that may sound. I lie to myself all day saying that I don't care about stuff that happens, that I don't feel a certain way. I lie to myself time after time and it sucks. So I think it's time I'm honest with myself without fear of judgment from others, criticism and judgment from myself as well. Brace yourselves..

    1. I want to get married sooo badly even though I tell myself otherwise on a daily basis! But I know that it's not the right time. I love my boyfriend and I like to think that maybe someday we'll get married, but right now, I know I'm not ready. Just because it’s something that I want now, doesn't mean that I'm ready for it NOW. I'm very jealous of all of the girls that have gotten engaged the last few months, and to people that they haven't known for but a few months..I don't want to be like them. I want to be the girl at the 10 year reunion that has a blooming career, a loyal husband, a loving family and a life!

     2. I let the past bug me, probably more than I should. The main things that bug me are things with me and my boyfriend. Our relationship is nowhere near perfect, just like everyone else we have ups and downs. But there are times when I wish things had gone differently (That's a story for another blog though!) Sometimes there are little things, little reminders that pop up relating to something that had once bugged me and ate my insides to the point of sickness, that bring back all of those emotions. The part that makes it worse? I don't have anyone to talk to about any of it....Not even my boyfriend...

    3. I don't have many friends. I have people I talk to at work, people that I have classes with, people I went to high school with, "Friends" that say we should hangout but never make the effort even when you do, and I have the "friends" that always said they'd be there but left.. I don't have a best friend that I can tell all of my secrets to. I don't have that one friend that I can run to when drama happens. I don't have that friend that I went off to college with or that friend that will come over and study or just watch movies with me. I don't have that and it kills me. I try to make friends and I try to branch out, but it has yet to work for me. The only friend that I really have is Taylor, a girl I met last semester. She came to college with her best friend, and I envy that.

    4. I feel stuck. I feel like I have all of these plans for my life but I'm deathly scared they won't happen..I wanted to go to college and make something of myself, be on my own. I wanted the chance to figure out life outside of this town and outside of my house. Sure, after I graduate I may get that but that's not the point. I'm at the point in my life where I feel like it's crucial for me to be something and do something with my life that makes me happy and makes me feel good. I want to get away from all of this, start over and find out who I am supposed to be in this world. I don't feel like I can do that here.

Trouble with Goodbye

    Just a little bit ago I got off the phone with my grandma. She's 98 and lives on her own. She calls my house every night when she gets into bed so that my mom knows that she's okay. Tonight my mom was in the shower when she called and I answered the phone to say goodnight. The call lasted 40 seconds on the dot. But those 40 seconds I'll never forget...
    With how old she is and how much she's aged within the last 4 years even, who knows how much longer we have with her. Who knows if I'll see her tomorrow or the next day, next week or next year..we don't ever know. I do try to spend as much time with her as I can, but sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. I know that when she is gone, I will never be able to make up for any time that I've missed..
    Sometimes, though, I feel uncomfortable around her, like I don't meet her expectations or that I may not be good enough for her; at one point I wasn't and she didn't hesitate to say so..that doesn't change the fact that I try each and every day to impress her and be the best I can be for her.
    I also have trouble with death. I have trouble acknowledging that someone is really gone and isn't coming back. I don't like to think that I won't talk to her or hold her hand, share stories with her either. When my Grandma Katie died, it didn't fully register with me. It could have been because we hadn't been very close in the last few years, but it still didn't impact me as much as I thought it would have. I loved her very much, though. The hardest part is with my grandma is that I know she will lever live to see her great-grand children. I'm 18 and I don't plan on having kids any time soon, so it is almost guaranteed that she won't be able to see them and hold them and be there for them..
    The hardest part of all of this, though, is saying goodbye. After my mom and I go to see her, when we're leaving, I kiss her on the forehead or cheek, say "bye" and leave while my mom says her goodbyes. I don't like goodbyes and I'm not good with them. I never say goodbye to people, I may say "goodnight" or "see you later" but I never say "goodbye". It is too final of a statement for me to make. "Goodbye" is a commitment and almost a promise that you won't see each other again and that's not a promise I want to make. I'm not ready for Goodbye...not yet...

First Week of Spring Semster

    Last Tuesday was the first day of classes it seems like it was yesterday. Everything is going by very fast and I know that this semester will be over in the blink of an eye. Typically I look forward to my weekends but they've been just as filled as my weekdays. Today was the first day I was able to sleep in for about 2-3 weeks! I'd been getting up at 7 for my classes and 8 for Church on Sundays and then whatever I had to do on Saturday mornings that prevented me from sleeping in.

    My 8 am class is Anatomy and Physiology (209). I'm much better at the Anatomy portion that the Physiology. I understand the Crista Galli, Stella Turcica and the External Occipital Protuberance, but I get a little confused when it comes to glycogen and carbohydrates, proteins and osmosis. I am very good with the memorization of things that don't change, but when it comes down to the molecular level and the process of things working, I'm not sure what to do. I want to know it and understand it but I'm not sure how to learn it in a way that would allow me to do so.

    This semester I am also taking an Emergency Medical Responder class that is the first step in the EMT/Paramedic track. There are lots of options to do with that and I think that it'd be a good back up plan, but I'm not sure if its for me. I love being able to help people but I'm not sure if that'd be the right way for me to. After getting my certification from this class I will be able to help people if the situation presents itself which will be a great opportunity to help people in need.

    In order to be able to apply to the Nursing Program I have to complete several semesters of General Education Credits including Psychology, Pathophysiology, the second part of Anatomy and Physiology (210). I also have to do a Statistics class and a Kinesiology Activity (I'm taking golf! ha). There are a few humanities and fine arts credits I have to complete but I know I'll be able to do them this summer and in the Fall semester as well.

    Knowing that I have a pretty solid plan for my future makes me happy and excited! I'm nervous to get on my feet and running! I can't wait to finish and get started with my life either! The future holds so much promise for me and there are so many doors that I haven't opened yet, I'm ready to get started!